Bereavement

This is a subject that I have been unsure about talking about... bereavement. Everybody has a completely different experience of bereavement. It depends on the relationship you had with the person, the circumstances, the aftermath, your view on death and so many more factors. So the only way I can do this is to explain how I felt. Some of you will agree, some will disagree and some just won't understand or have anything to compare this to but that's fine, we are all individuals. Here's my story...

In January 2011 I lost my dad. My dad was my whole world, my hero, protector, best friend, teacher, the shaper of my personality and the man who helped me find myself and my beliefs. I have his hair, nose, smile, sense of humor, taste in music and a hell of a lot of memories.

We knew we would lose dad and watched him go very quickly from a strong 42 year old man to a lifeless shell in a chapel of rest within the space of 5 months. I'm so grateful we knew it would happen. It meant I could be there. It meant when he passed I was holding his hand at home. I sat with his body and talked to him about how proud I was of him and that he would be ok while we waited for the funeral directors to come. I visited him in the mortuary to make sure he was 'ok' and I was able to be involved in his funeral and attend. Some people don't get some or any of these opportunities.

I was devastated beyond belief. Not only to feel how I felt but to see my mum in the same way. After the funeral I felt in a completely different world and just dazed by what had happened. I felt very physically ill. Drained, sick, confused, headache, joint ache, dry skin, stomach cramps. I kept losing my breath and trembling. Then the anger came. 

Anger at everything. Anger at the overweight, heavy smoking, drinkers outside the pub that should be the ones who had dad's illness, not someone so healthy. Angry at the people that had disappeared after telling me how they'd do anything to support us and come and visit regularly but didn't come once. Angry at the amount of messages I was receiving from other people telling me they're not coping but they were never that involved to begin with. How dare they! Of all people to say that too. Angry at myself for not somehow knowing he was ill sooner. Even angry at people for being near me. Angry at the ones who wanted me to explain my feelings because they thought I was 'coping too well.' For me this was the most destructive and heart-wrenching part of bereavement. Beating yourself up and hating everything. Everyone who said I was taking it too well made me want to lash out at them or shout them down but I didn't have the energy.

After this phase came great sadness. I had accepted quite quickly what had happened and that it was part of life. I have a very matter of fact view of illness, life and death when I'm thinking clearly. No matter how unfair it seemed we had lost people in our family at younger ages, children have diseases and don't survive, fatal accidents and disaster can happen to anyone. It was unfair but something that at the same time is natural. We live, we die.

I found comfort in knowing that many people live till old age and die without having the amazing relationship we had. I became very grateful. I had an amazing dad for 22 years of my life and many people would cry out for either that amount of time or that kind of relationship. I felt pride. Proud of him for everything he achieved in life. Proud of him as a dad and a husband to my mum. Proud of the friendships he built with people. Proud of the way he held the family together.

At first it was hard to know what I was 'allowed' to do. Can I feel happy? Can I enjoy life? It took a long time to come to a point where I was ok. To be able to have a good night's sleep. To wake up without feeling fear. To not feel guilty for laughing and smiling and wanting to go places or do something I enjoyed.

Now I talk about dad everyday and think of him more than a few times every day. I smile at his photo's. I remember times and suddenly smile or laugh because they were hilarious! I have days where I crumble and just need him with me. I constantly wish he was with my mum. If I could bring him back just for her and not get to see him myself I would. I know he would be very proud of what I do and if I really think about it I know what answers he would give me and what advice he might say for the majority of times I wish I could speak with him.

Bereavement is a very personal journey. For me this bereavement was worse than my lowest point of depression or any anxiety I've felt or any panic attack I've had. It is probably the most physically unwell I have ever felt and the most exhausted I'll ever be. But it is something that I have come through and so will others.

Much love,
Becky xx

The Science of Depression

We're getting all technical today and looking at the science behind depression. When I was first diagnosed I just couldn't understand how I felt or how it was in fact an illness. I heard people talk about mood, personality, feelings but not illness when it came to depression. I felt ill, in pain, confused, possessed almost by something else and as if I was shutting down and deteriorating. I felt like my intelligence, balance, memory, speech, emotions and health were all draining away and it was terrifying. I started my anti-depressants but these take some time to kick in and at first made me feel worse and gave me a lot of side effects. 

I was no closer to understanding depression after watching vlogs, documentaries or reading comments on forums. So I looked at the science and it made so much sense to me. It was an illness and I was a 'normal' depressed person feeling the effects that could be corrected and healed. Here's what I found out and it really comforted me to know:


In the brain there are four chemicals that make us feel happy and these are...

• serotonin- high levels for happiness and low levels for sadness
• dopamine- the striving emotion that makes you feel good
• oxytocin- the cuddle hormone triggered by social bonding
• endorphins- mask pain and discomfort so you push on

These chemicals play a huge role in controlling our mood. Whether they are high, low or being blocked from reaching the receptors in your brain, they make a big difference to how you feel emotionally, mentally and physically.

Brain connections and growth can be affected and the area in the brain known as the hippocampus, the part that controls your emotions and memory, gets smaller the longer you have depression and deteriorates. BUT it can be stimulated to grow new neurons, so it won't be gone forever. 

You might remember in another blog post I talked about feeling as though there was an electrical storm in my brain and it was as though I could physically feel the connections and changes going on up there. Well this was actually happening. I wasn't imagining it or just suffering from headaches. At first it felt as though I needed to get to the hospital before my brain shut down and this heightened my anxiety. I thought I was having some sort of brain trauma that needed emergency medical attention. It was so painful and intense but after knowing this it made sense and made me calmer that I wasn't physically ill or in any danger.

Scientists found that genetically you may be more prone to depression. You have a serotonin transport gene and receive two copies, one from each parent. These can be short or long. If your genes consist of two short copies you are most likely to become depressed, one short copy and one long you have a higher chance than average and people with two long copies are less likely to be depressed (this doesn't mean they won't be though as life events play a huge role). This explains why some families seem to have multiple members who suffer from depression, like one side of my family. Although we have all had something to trigger depression we may have been more prone to it to begin with. This helped me accept that I may be more likely to become depressed and with the events that have gone on I was actually doing really well to only just be affected now.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and links to behaviour, cognition, motivation, sleep, mood, attention, sexual gratification, memory and learning. It can affect our emotional responses and when it isn't transmitted properly our responses can become different to usual. For example laughing when you are angry or feeling sad but not showing emotion. Low dopamine will make you feel low in energy and demoted. This also explained why I felt so numb and blank as my emotions weren't being controlled properly. I had confusion, trouble sleeping and couldn't hold attention which all links to low dopamine.

The best example I found of this was an article saying someone who is low in dopamine may wish they were dead but wouldn't have the energy or motivation to end their life. Antidepressants give your dopamine an initial boost so then you may feel as though you wished you were dead and suddenly have more energy which can increase suicidal thoughts. Hence why anti-depressants can make you feel worse before you feel better. I found with my tablets that I didn't think about suicide but I did have worrying thoughts like hoping I would become hospitalised with an illness so I could rest or thinking about causing myself an injury for the same reason, but not death.

If you read the side effect labels of most antidepressants you will see how they link to low dopamine as they say that depression may cause; mood swings, insomnia, drowsiness, failure to orgasm, confusion, suicidal thoughts and so on.

Once you know how these chemical work and just how much they can affect you then you start to understand depression. When you hear that your brain activity and signals are almost rewired then you realise how much of an illness depression is. It is not a mood or state of mind like a lot of people would want you to believe, you cannot choose to have it or get over it. You are ill.

NOTE: After speaking to a friend of mine who studied psychology up to a doctorate level, she warned me of how she wouldn't recommend antidepressants to each depressed person, because each person is depressed due to different reasons. Antidepressants that work as SSRI's work by increasing serotonin levels, but they would therefore only work best for people who have lowered serotonin and this is not the only reason someone maybe depressed, neither is a chemical imbalance. Someone may be depressed due to another illness, chronic pain, a life event, social reasons, psychological reasons and so much more. 

The antidepressants that are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) may make some people feel worse or suicidal rather than better. But for others may work well, each person is individual. The way to  tell whether someone is high or low in serotonin is with a blood test which many doctors do not use before prescribing an SSRI. It is worth speaking to your doctor if you find that your type of antidepressants don't agree with you or if you would like to find the root cause of your depression.

Much love,
Becky xx