Wednesday, March 30, 2016

The Words of Carl Jung

After doing some research for my blog post on the use of adult colouring books I found the work of Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. Jung developed the idea and was a big influence on the world of psychology by founding analytical psychology. From what I have found he is also a man of inspirational and thoughtful words. He speaks with a clear and thought provoking message. Here are a few of his quotes that really spoke to me and I think teach us a little about ourselves and the way we think.

"No tree it is said, can grow to heaven unless the roots reach down to hell." I think this represents growth and self enlightenment. We need to understand ourselves and our past so we can grow and move forward. Also I think it says that those that don't experience lows won't truly ever feel highs.

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart, who looks outside dreams; who looks inside, awakes." Although it may be difficult it is important to look into yourself and  think about who you are, how you feel, what you know and your abilities. Getting to know yourself can be a scary process but it let's you live to the fullest, make changes and accept and appreciate who you really are.

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." This is one of my favourite Carl Jung quotes. I read it and shout YES! Although bad things happen they are not you or your personality. I don't want to be seen as 'the depressed girl' 'the girl who lost her dad' 'the anxious girl' I want to be the 'depression fighter' 'Daydays daughter' 'the strong one' and most importantly I choose to be Becky!

'People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.' I think this applies to a lot of people. I choose to wear a mask and pretend it was all ok. Some choose drugs, alcohol, sex, fighting and so many other things that can be so damaging and ultimately make things worse. But these things seem a lot less frightening than facing your soul.

'Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose it's meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.' True! Nobody will ever go through life 100% happy with no worries or troubles or difficult times. We all will face some sort of danger, loss, worry, sadness throughout our lives and that is just the way life is. But we will soon realise how much we value happiness and how much of a gift it is. We will aim for it, maintain it and appreciate it whenever it happens. You need sadness to realise this.

'It all depends on how we look at things.' It really does! We can look at the glass half empty and we can look at something as a worrying obstacle or we can see it as a challenge and look for it's silver lining. Whenever you are able look at things positively and try to find the good in them. Things come along to challenge us and teach us valuable lessons. Some things come along to tear us a part and break our world down as we know it. Either way we need to look at them as a fight we can win no matter how impossible it may seem. Stay positive my lovelies and remember what Carl Jung once famously said 'show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.' We all have our quirks and our struggles. It's human.

Much love,

Becky xx

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Pass the Pencils

By now I'm sure you will have all seen or heard of adult colouring books, and in particular you may have noticed the anti-stress adult colouring books. If you haven't or you're wondering what all the fuss is about then this is your introduction.

What are they? 

They are colouring books aimed at adults with themes such as patterns, floral, animals, the ocean and they are more intricately drawn than a standard childs colouring book. 

Are they just a new trend?

Although the adult colouring books you see in stores may be a relatively new trend the idea isn't that new at all. Psychologist Carl Jung used to encourage his patients suffering with mental health illnesses to colour in mandala's around 1900. He has some very inspirational quotes too if you search him on the internet.

How do they work?

Colouring is said to lower blood pressure, help your brain focus, help you deal with and reduce stress, help you relax, pass some time, helps with fine motor skills, combats anxiety, helps you centre and calm down.

Who are they for?

Some doctors suggest colouring for adults with dementia, alzheimer's, stress, anxiety, depression, terminal illnesses and more. Plenty of people just enjoy them or use them to unwind. Others like them to get creative and many enjoy to colour with their children or grandchildren. People doodle at work, in classes, whilst on the phone, etc..

Have I ever used colouring books to destress?

Yes I have. I bought a children's colouring book when I was first diagnosed with depression as suggested to me by a friend who had been in the same situation.

Would you recommend them?

It did pass the time and help me focus on something else other than my thoughts. The tension I was feeling was immense and at first it felt as though I would snap the pens I used. I found it stressful when I couldn't stay inside the lines due to being so confused at the time. So my reaction was mixed but I would say they are definitely worth a try.

Are they expensive?

You can search 'adult colouring pages' on the internet and find printable images for free. If you want the books I have seen them range from around £3 to £20 and they can be found in most supermarkets an bookstores, or online. 

Can I colour online?

Yes you can. If you search 'adult colouring pages online' it will bring up websites where you can colour online. It uses tools similar to Microsoft Paint where you choose tools and colours to colour in the image. I'm not sure whether this has the same effect but it is something simple that helps you concentrate and takes your mind off other things.

So why not get colourful and give it a go!

Much love,

Becky xx

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Come Back Memory!

I wonder how many of you share this trait with me. Since becoming depressed I really struggle with zoning out. Following a conversation can be a real problem, especially if it's not too interesting to start with. If I'm given a lot to remember or a large list of tasks I can switch off half way through or try to listen but only pick up small amounts of information. 

I can hear perfectly fine but sometimes it's as though I just can't work out what people are saying to me. I often agree or nod without knowing what people have said and often have to ask people to repeat what they have said; sometimes more than once.

I can find conversations irritating and frustrating sometimes. I can't quite hear well, their voice becomes just noise, my head hurts, my eyes blur and I get confused and then annoyed. I tend not to look directly at people too much anymore either when they speak. So I can't rely on lip reading or picking up on gestures. I'm not sure why this started but it did.

I've noticed that conversations are a lot easier when I am really relaxed. If I'm in the middle of a supermarket and my husband phones I really struggle to get my words out and think of what I want to say, yet when we are cuddled up on the sofa conversation is easy.

I even zone out with other things like the television. I can watch a show and an advert come on and have no idea what I've just watched. It's a complete surprise to what's going to come on after the advert sometimes. It can be really scary as I've always had a good memory and I feel like I'm losing my short term memory completely.

I can walk around in a total trance and suddenly be somewhere and not remember the last part of the journey, I go into rooms and forget why I'm there, I lock my front door and get in my car and get back out again to check it because I can't even remember shutting the door never mind locking it, I forget I've set the bath running, I forget names... the list goes on. I'm frightened if this is going to be normal from now on. I've decided to speak to my GP the next time I go in but I'm worried what they might say. Does anyone else suffer from this?

Much love,
Becky xx

26th March 2017

When I feel I'm struggling this is all still true to me BUT for the majority of the time my memory is back to normal as well as my attention. Only when I'm anxious or low is this an issue.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Spring Cleaning vs Depression

Even when it's late in the day I like to suddenly start random jobs around the house when I should be getting into bed and resting... I've always done this. Things like move all my bedroom furniture around at 11pm like you do, well like I do! Or to start cleaning the bathroom because I can't sleep.

This got me thinking of something my Great Gran used to tell me "a clean house is a clear conscience." So I wanted to know whether cleaning does clear our minds as well as our environment? So I did what all non scientists do... I asked the internet!

I found out that having clutter in your home can link to stress levels being higher, low self esteem and affect our mood. Clutter doesn't automatically mean a home is unclean it just means a lot of objects. Things that have little or no purpose, duplicates, unwanted items... Although I'm not a minimalist I don't like lots of things everywhere and when clutter isn't ornaments or trinkets but dishes in the sink, paperwork out on the table, piles of dirty washing then it can be very stressful for me. I don't like clutter at work either and I am forever organising. Clutter reminds me that there is a lot to do when really these are 5 minute jobs and make a huge difference to your space once they are out of the way. Clutter or a build up of small jobs just gives you that overwhelming feeling of "where do I start!"

If you have a lot of belongings spend 30 mins or so dedicated to one area such as kitchen cupboards, your wardrobe, shoe rack and go through everything. Make 2 piles, one of things to keep and one of things to go. Everything you keep put it back in an orderly way so it looks neat and clean each piece if needed. Then go through your go pile and sort it into charity shop items, trash or items to sell (if you want to do this.) It might take you a while to get through your entire home but you can spend longer at it in bursts or spread it out. Either way you'll notice a difference; less to clean and tidy, more space and things are easier to find.

I also found articles saying that one of the signs of depression is letting your housework and chores slip and not taking care of day-to-day routines and responsibilities like you normally have. I can definitely say this happened to me. Getting out of bed was hard enough never mind taking time to have a good spring clean. Luckily my husband not only looked after me but worked full time and kept the house spotless. My mum also helped me clean to get me going around the house and moving again. This really helped and I felt I'd achieved something afterwards. Good thinking mummy! 

Unfortunately the article goes on to say a dirty or untidy home can add to your depression and make you feel like you don't know where to start so you just don't start anywhere. If you don't have the support from others you could try setting yourself one task at a time. I used to put on a song and put things away until the song stopped. This worked well for me and often when the song stopped I would carry on because it was the initial getting going that was the hard part. My other trick was to put the TV on half an hour before a show started that I wanted to watch and clean until it came on. If you can clean as you go and get little jobs out of the way before tackling bigger ones this makes the workload seem smaller. If someone offers to help you then accept it and if it's an option you might even want to hire a cleaning or decluttering service to get everything sorted so you can then keep on top of it once it is done. 

Feeling pride in your home gives you a sense of achievement and you know you have made yourself a gorgeous little nest to be in. I also think as cleaning and tidying are quite simple and repetitive tasks that they take our minds off anything else and you just concentrate on what you are doing. As it's now Spring I think I'm going to start my annual leave with a good clean around my home. Who's with me?!

Much love,

Becky xx

Saturday, March 19, 2016


Aromatherapy- scents that can change and enhance your mood. 

Some use this as a form of therapy and some as an alternative medicine. Other people just like to have essential oils or candles burning around their homes, wear a perfume or use body products that contain the oils or bathe in them. You can also book facials, massages and other beauty treatments that include essential oils and aromatherapy. However you like to use it, there are said to be a few benefits from certain scents. I have picked 5 for each of the following...

Depression Roman chamomile, sandalwood, ylang-ylang, bergamot, rose

Anger Management Orange, bergamot, jasmine, neroli, rose

Stress Lavender, frankincense, rose, chamomile, vanilla

Anxiety Bergamot, basil, clary Sage, frankincense, palmarosa

Sleep Lavender, ylang ylang, bergamot, sandalwood, cedarwood

Happiness Citrus, pine, jasmine, vanilla, lavender

How do I use some of these scents?

Some of the scents I use above in the way mentioned and others I use because I like the smell and having them in products and around my home means that I enjoy using them or being in that place. I like my bubble bath, hair products and body washes to be either honey or coconut. I find them very soothing, uplifting and good for my skin. I have a number of candles and reed diffusers around my home that include scents like sea-salt, vanilla, bergomont, jasmine, orange, rose and chamomile.

I have herbal teas that contain some of the citrus flavours and chamomile that I drink to relax me before bed.

I have an orange and bergamot hand wash, orange hand sanitiser in my bag and an orange or honey hand cream that I keep at home and in my bag. When I had an anxiety attack I used to use the hand sanitiser for the smell as it helped switch my attention onto my senses and away from the panic.

I have soaps that contain citrus scents and chamomile. An aromatherapy pillow spray designed to aid sleep and relaxation. The different perfumes I have include orange, bergamot, citrus, sandalwood, cedarwood and ylang ylang. And to top it all off I often have roses in my kitchen and make sure I smell them when I walk past as the smell really brightens me.

Some of these maybe linked to aromatherapy and others maybe linked to a happy memory or place. I love the smell of tropical scented sun cream as it reminds me of a holiday in France, roses remind me of making perfume in my Grandma's garden, cedarwood was in my dads aftershave, oranges were my favourite snack at school when I was small. IF you have a scent that links to something special try using that to lift your mood and evoke happy thoughts.

As with all products you may find some of these don't work well on your skin, I know I can't use anything that contains lavender. Even though these scents may help there are some I just don't like the smell of so they don't help me completely as I find them unpleasant and not relaxing. It's a bit of trial and error to find what you like and get the benefit from. 

What aromatherapy do you use and in what form?

Much love,


Friday, March 18, 2016

The Perfect Gift

What could be the perfect gift for someone who is struggling Something you could take your friend as a token of love or if it's a special occasion. Something that's a lovely gift but also sensitive and useful. I can only speak from my own personal view but here's what I would have found nice to receive. All these gifts can be picked up for under £10, just shop around or go more expensive if you wish.

Flowers/ Plant

If you have read my previous blog about plants and flowers you will know the benefit of having them in the home and what colours can affect your mood. A peace lily plant would be my gift of choice to someone because they clear the air, are easy to look after and look really nice in the home. I have two in my bedroom as they aid sleep.

Seasonal Essentials

Things like gloves, fluffy socks, lip balms, scarf, welly socks, sunglasses, umbrella, etc... Anything that relates to the current season that they may not have chance to get out and buy yet. Without being pushy these presents are outdoors gifts really. When people have been at home for a while it's nice to show faith that you know they'll get out there soon. Even if they wear them in the garden. Again this doesn't have to be an expensive gift and you can look for things in that person's favourite colour, material or with a character on they like. My Batman socks were a very welcome gift!

A Diary or Notebook

It really helps me to get my thoughts down and it's helpful when you are slightly confused from medication and illness. Things like keeping dates, making to do lists and shopping lists helped me stay focused on what needed to be done. Go for something in their favourite colour, with an inspirational quote on the cover, with their favourite character or pattern on the front. You can buy personalised notebooks from some companies that will add a photograph or message for you. You can even write a little note on the first page as a sweet gesture for them to look back on.

Scented Candles

I have a post on aromatherapy and scents that help keep you calm and can de-stress. If you can find out which scent they love or something that relates to a sweet or food they like it's a lovely idea. Go for their favourite colour and you can easily tie a ribbon or gift tag around the jar which makes it look impressive. 

Herbal Teas

Calming herbal teas are a nice thought, just make sure it's something they would use. Again the idea is to take it as a gift and sit over a cup with them. Bring along their favourite biscuits or buns or make some sandwiches and turn it into high tea.

Slippers or A Throw

Comfy and a nice present. Very useful and great for if you are recovering at home, especially in the colder weather. Again find something a little more personal with the pattern, colour or character that suits that person.

Something Personal

This could relate to a childhood love, a hobby or a favourite of theirs. It could be something in the form of a plush toys, a mug, a key ring, socks, a DVD or book.

A Favour

This can be free to the gift giver but priceless to the recipient. You might tidy up their garden, clean the house, do the ironing, wash their car, do their shopping or get them some essentials. If you have a skill such as beauty therapy, hair stylist, decorator, crafter, chef... maybe offer your service for free.

A Visit With Lunch

Whether you buy in lunch or make it, it's a lovely gesture and time spent together. You could eat it in the garden or over a film. Even breakfast in bed would be welcome by me! It also saves the person a bit of money. To extend the gift why not make it together if they would like that. Spend the day cooking together or invite around a group of close friends or family just give them some warning and make sure they are up to it.

A Cake

Whether you bake it or buy it it's a lovely gesture. Make sure it's their favourite flavour and you can personalise it with a special candle, ice a message on or choose their favourite colours. Even a cupcake or their favourite sweet treat. The most important part of this gift is to share it over a cup of tea that you make for you both and have a good chat.

It's all about the thought and the gesture, not the money. Some of the nicest gifts I've been given have cost very little or been free. On my teaching practise a little boy bought me a single flower when I left and said "we got this for you because it's nice", my husband used to travel on the train to see me and make sure he picked up my favourite bar of chocolate on the journey, my mum buys me fluffy socks because I love being comfy and my best friend has brought me my lunch in the past as a cheer up. These were all thoughtful and personal to me and that's what mattered.

Much love,

Becky xx

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Poetically Thinking

I haven't written any lyrics or poetry in a while and it used to be my go to release and hobby at one point. During childhood and my teen years I would sit and write for hours. A few nights ago I decided to try and put something down on paper. Just as it used to be I start to write and quickly it all comes out. I go into a blur and know I'm writing but not the words I'm putting down. Then I can read it back as if it isn't my own work. It's not until I've finished and reread my writing that I know what came out. I then look for a meaning. This was how I used to understand what was going on in my mind. Here's what came out...

Can you see my bones?
Are they beautiful inside?
Can you see me now?
I’m trying not to hide.

I see you looking through me,
I want you to understand,
I want you to look inside me,
There's no need to hold my hand.

I can’t stand the lie in my smile,
I don't know her in the mirror,
That’s not the me I know,
The girl I see I fear her.

Then I see your rainbow,
I know how much I can love,
I know we care about me,
I feel that you’re above.

I’m you inside my heart,
So I look at my reflection,
I see you shining through me,
And your love is my protection.

You may have your own take on this but for me I know that I am asking people to recognise that I am grieving and that bereavement lead to my mental state. Because the person I am grieving for is also the reason I carry on it leaves me in two states:

  • knowing I am struggling without them
  • knowing I can carry on because I had them in my life

Much love,
Becky xx

Sunday, March 13, 2016

A Letter To Depression

Dear Depression,

I am writing to let you know that our relationship is over and you are to be evicted. Although you have opened many opportunities for me which I am grateful for; starting my blog, finding out about myself and meeting new people, I feel you have become controlling and not very nice to live with. 

I have tried to ignore you and work with you, I even let you have your own way for a while but I have to think about me now. You have been unwanted from the start and I don't believe you were invited or welcome in the first place. Nor do I appreciate you letting your friend Anxiety stay here either! You have actually forced entry and are therefore squatters. 

You may claim squatters rights and that you are now in fact a part of me but I don't remember me ever been like you two. You're not the sort of people I'd ever choose to associate with. We are just too different. I don't want any contact with you after this so stay clear of me at social events too.

Any attempt you make to come back will be challenged. Make sure you take Anxiety with you as you are both upsetting my beloved housemates Sleep and Calm. They have been with me since birth whereas you two are newcomers. So I'm afraid it's last in, first out. It's just too full up there and my other housemates don't like you and your strange ways. You upset them greatly and force them to stay in their rooms and not come out, especially Confidence and Happiness, they are intimidated by you.

Saying all this I am not bitter about your stay. Yes we have had differences and fall outs but you have helped me achieve some great things and have given my housemates Determination and Strength a kick up the bum that they needed. They weren't pulling their weight for a while but had to step up with you around and now they are leading the others on. To keep it on good terms we'll just say it wasn't meant to be and it's not me, it's you!

Much love,

Becky xx

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Teenage Self Harm

I promised I would talk to you about my most vulnerable subject... self harm. 

I don't want to tell you what I did or used because it worries me who can read this and in no way do I want to give a vulnerable person harmful thoughts or ideas. Instead I want to sum up the experience.

I was a very confused teenager full of hormones and emotions and was being bullied at school. I felt very numb but also randomly tearful as well as being able to have a really good laugh and be very happy. I put on a really good front sometimes. When I felt low it was so low and emotion disappeared until I was numb inside and out. I can't quite remember why or when but I started to self harm but roughly it was around the age of 13 and I stopped before I was 17.

I always did it at home, usually in the bath because I knew no one would just walk in. I don't know why I did it at home because home was the place I felt safest with the two people I loved the most. The two people I should have talked to rather than harming myself. The two people that always listened, cuddled me, loved me and helped me. But I didn't know what was wrong to talk about it and instead it had come to this. 

What I did should have been very painful but I felt nothing at all physically. It did help me to cry when I couldn't let it out but I didn't cry in pain. It felt good to get the tears out but was a very surreal experience each time I did it.

I then had to hide it. I had marks on my chest and the top of my thighs that I could hide under clothes but had to be careful getting out of the bath, getting changed for P.E and what tops I wore. I was very aware that they needed to be hidden but eventually I showed or told a small number of people.

I remember being in P.E one day and forgetting that I had marks on my chest and taking my top off. A few girls noticed and I realised and quickly covered it up. I could hear them gossiping and from that point I started to cover them in makeup which made the marks sting. I'm lucky I never had an infection and I don't have lasting marks. They used to show for a few years after as white lines when I got a tan but have now faded.

After a couple of years I stopped. I remember that I'd stopped for a while and felt a lot happier. For some reason I decided that because it had been so long I was going to do it again just to see whether I could or not. I was very nervous because I knew it would hurt and it made me cringe thinking what I was about to do. I'd never felt like that before I'd just done it. As soon as I made the first mark it really hurt like it should have always done. It was like a burning papercut and made me yelp. I couldn't believe I'd done that before or been able to. It really stung afterwards and while healing and I hadn't noticed that before either. Only when perfume had gone into it or when I covered it in the makeup and it was still fresh. I don't know why I'd not been able to feel it before but I knew I'd never do it again.

Much love,

Becky xx

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Men vs Depression

This one's for all the men out there. You are amazing people! You are providers, supporters, fighters and lovers. You are fathers and grandfathers, brothers and sons. Yes. And you are supposed to be strong and show no signs of struggle or weakness...? NO! You are human. You hurt, you feel, you emote and you can break. But after that you are still a man. You are not immune to mental illness and you are entitled to support and help if it strikes.

It pains me to see men feel alone and be stigmatised for mental health. Male suicide rates are high and often mental illness is left too long before seeking help because of the way men are often portrayed and made to feel. Well let me tell you something, the strongest men I have ever seen in my life both physically, mentally and emotionally strong I have also seen cry. I have seen them worry, seen them sick, seen them mentally ill and seen them ask for help (albeit reluctantly ask for help but they have.) I don't want men out there to feel as though they need to fight on alone. Build an army don't be a lone ranger!

I want you to think of this; when babies are born everyone in the room waits to hear that first cry. That first cry says "I'm alive". When you cry as a child it means "I'm hurt" "I need help" "I need attention" "I'm sad" and you can cry as an adult male. A strong man crying and tell us you are hurt, need attention, feel sad and need help. You can stop providing while you recover and be supported by someone else. You can be a tag team fighter rather than stand in the ring alone against a champion heavyweight. 

One of the bravest and most courageous things I have seen a very important man do is soldier on through mental illness brought on by experiences that no one should ever experience. This gave me hope too. If someone so strong can fight a fight that hard then I could too. If that big, strong man can cry then this little girl can cry. If that amazing man can fight like that then he truly is a hero.

It is refreshing and beautiful to see a man full of emotions! And if this isn't enough to show you how amazing you are and how you can show emotions then I will tell you this! Yes I am going for the sex sells approach (sexist or what!). It is in my nature to respond to cries and help whether that be a baby, child, woman, man, OAP, animal... I will respond to a cry with love and support. BUT if the one crying happens to be my man, my husband, although it breaks my heart to see it... it's bloody sexy too!

Much love,
Becky xx

Needy, Sensitive Soul

Let's talk about being needy. I'm needy sometimes although I'm also very independant. I can be in control and take charge but then other times I need lots of reassurance. I don't know whether it relates to my depression, anxiety or my personality but I do know that I haven't always been like this.

My neediness shows in many ways...
  • telling my husband I love him probably more than 10 times a day just to make sure that he knows that even though we are ridiculously close
  • telling a joke then immediately feeling silly and asking if they liked it even though they are laughing and smiling
  • asking for help with things when someone is around but then doing it myself when no one is there
  • wanting lots of cuddles all the time
  • asking people "are you OK" A LOT because I think they might not be because of me somehow
  • yesterday's post asking for people to comment on my posts so I know what they think about it and if it is any good
  • checking my Twitter and blog over and over within a few minutes to see if anyone has viewed or posted
I found a website that described needy behaviour as either seeking approval or seeking attention. From what I do I would definitely say I seek approval and I'm not sure why? I think it relates to self confidence. Although I am independent and capable that doesn't mean I have confidence and anxiety can make you really doubt yourself and your abilities and overthink what others are saying, feeling and thinking.

Sometimes needy can come across as cute but always remember that it may be a sign someone needs reassurance. My husband used to think I was really cuddly in general but now asks if I'm OK when I want to cling onto him like a baby monkey! If your partner seems needy ask if they are alright or need to talk. It may be a way of saying I need you, talk to me or help.

NOTE: many of the things mentioned above are no longer part of my daily routine and I can see that I do and say these things when I feel highly anxious, nervous or unconfident

Being a sensitive soul... is it a curse or a gift? There are pros and cons to this. Personally I've always been sensitive. Crying in infant school when someone else is told off, taking a lost dog home because I couldn't drive on and leave it, crying at charity adverts, getting emotional at talent shows because someone tried really hard, feeling sorry for cartoon characters in dilemma's, wiping a wallabys nose at the zoo because it was runny and he looked cold and wet.... I know, I know. I feel deeply for strangers, worry about little things and take things personally. Let's have a look at what being sensitive entails...

  • getting easily upset and taking things personally
  • worrying about what other people think and feel
  • not always saying what you want to say because you are scared of how it will be received
  • letting people be mean and insensitive to you
  • taking on other people's problems ALL THE TIME
  • likely to cry more and probably being known as the 'soft one'
  • deeply affected by news stories, world events, charity posts, etc...
  • caring for others no matter who they are
  • feeling a full range of emotions and experiencing them fully
  • thinking how your words and actions will affect others
  • being seen as the 'nice' person
  • finding ways to help people and being charitable to others
  • you can put yourselves in others shoes and you are very understanding
  • politeness
So looking at the pros and cons do I still want to be sensitive? YES!! I embrace it. I don't want to toughen up my feelings. I want to rescue birds with broken wings, I want to tell babies it's ok when they cry, I want to be cuddly with people, I want to be able to feel others pain and emotions, I want to be understanding and I want to feel as many emotions as I can because that is a beautiful gift to completely understand life.

Much love,

Becky xx

Friday, March 04, 2016

When Will Highschool End?

I've always loved writing. As soon as I could write I wrote stories and at high school my English teacher told me she wanted to see a published book by me one day. My stories were always quite deep and dark. They focused on the main characters been loners, the homeless, the strange and dark thoughts being lived through the characters like negative voices in their head. I never kept any of my stories because I could write them but never read them back without feeling disturbed. I guess my writing was a release sometimes. I couldn't admit that I felt lonely or sad or empty but I could create a character that felt that. The stories didn't always have happy endings or they looked that way then there was a cruel twist. I've only just realised how significant this was to the time I wrote them.

I was in highschool which I hated. It was awful and if you gave me the choice of 5 years back at highschool or 5 years in prison I'd lock the cell door myself. I really struggled there and after my first year was over I just wanted to never be there. I sometimes would use my brace as an excuse to phone in for a day off, I'd go into the toilets at breaks and stay in the cubicle for the whole thing. I'd make sure I walked home quieter ways than the crowds of other students. I did have people I talked to but I never had that best friend or a group of my own. I kind of merged in sometimes but it wasn't like they'd have invited me anywhere or classed me as a good friend. There were times when I could start uncontrollably crying before, after or during the school day but I only cried once in front of others. We were getting changed for PE and I'd had enough shit that day and heard someone who used to be my best friend talking about me.

It wasn't long before I was sat in the deputy heads office with him asking about my experience at school and I broke down. Opening up about the fact I'd been secretly self harming, I was getting bullied and that I hated school and wanted to do my work from home. It was the loneliest place I've ever been and the teachers just didn't seem to want the hassle of sorting out the nasty shit people said to others CONSTANTLY throughout their classes. There was no escape for 4 years and I couldn't even take banter because I was too emotional about everything else so I could easily get upset or angry. It was high school where I quickly learnt to put on a front but it was so hard at that age.

I'm no angel and for the first year I was a complete bitch to a group of girls that I regret so badly and yes I'd joined in laughing at others. I'm ashamed by that and often think about it now. If they read this please know that karma came around threefold and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. Teenagers can be so self-centred and cruel at times. There were a few good people there but I never really connected with anyone and left high school without a single friend from there. My friends all went to a different school and I knew them through my boyfriend. It felt so good to be with them.

I don't know how I 'survived' high school and it haunted me for years after. I thought I was over it now but this is the first blog post I've written with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. It's hard to even put a positive spin on it apart from learning the lesson that people are cruel, I'm different and words can stick with you for life.

Much love,

Becky xx

Thursday, March 03, 2016

Depression and Tattoos

I have 9 tattoos and plan on getting a lot more. I just love that I can personalise my body and mark special events or reminders of people. I find getting tattooed quite therapeutic and an instant confidence boost when I see my new additions. Here's why...

My Depression Tattoo

I like my tattoos to have deep meanings to them so that I'll never regret them and they'll always be relevant. Because depression was such a big life changing event for me I wanted to have it has a reminder. Not a reminder of the depression but of the fact that I came through it a better person. It needed to be something positive so I had a quote on the back of my leg. I wanted it there to show I can walk away from depression.

The tattoo reads "just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending it turned into a butterfly." This reminds me that life gets tough so you can evaluate yourself, better yourself and make changes. It makes you fight to prove that you can do it and although my 'world ended' I came out of it a new person.

Remembrance Tattoos

I have two tattoos dedicated to my dad who passed away in 2011 and I plan on getting one for my Grandad and one for my Great Grandad. I also have a crow as they are believed to be the bearer of souls. I love that I can put something on my body forever that relates to people who are part of me, especially my dad. Seeing them reminds me to smile about him and know that he is with me.

Stay Strong Tattoo

I've seen a lot of people with the words Stay Strong on their bodies or similar ideas to remind them to keep going. A lot of these tattoos relate to mental health or personal struggle. They will always have something that is a permanent reminder to keep going. I love that.

Semicolon Tattoo ;

Started with Project Semicolon by Amy Bluel who lost her dad to suicide. She decided she wanted a tattoo to remember him by but also to raise suicide awareness. The semicolon is used in a sentence where you could have ended it with a full stop or continue it further by using a semicolon. Amy thought this reflected life, you can chose to end it or chose to carry it on. This tattoo has gotten really popular and I think it's helping to end stigma by getting people asking about the tattoo and recognising the meaning.

For whatever reason you get tattoos remember they are your personal stamp and it doesn't matter if you have to be on a waiting list or pay a lot for a great artist because it is with you for life. Think it through and go to somewhere that will do it justice.

Much love,
Becky xx