Teenage Self Harm

I promised I would talk to you about my most vulnerable subject... self harm. 

I don't want to tell you what I did or used because it worries me who can read this and in no way do I want to give a vulnerable person harmful thoughts or ideas. Instead I want to sum up the experience.

I was a very confused teenager full of hormones and emotions and was being bullied at school. I felt very numb but also randomly tearful as well as being able to have a really good laugh and be very happy. I put on a really good front sometimes. When I felt low it was so low and emotion disappeared until I was numb inside and out. I can't quite remember why or when but I started to self harm but roughly it was around the age of 13 and I stopped before I was 17.

I always did it at home, usually in the bath because I knew no one would just walk in. I don't know why I did it at home because home was the place I felt safest with the two people I loved the most. The two people I should have talked to rather than harming myself. The two people that always listened, cuddled me, loved me and helped me. But I didn't know what was wrong to talk about it and instead it had come to this. 

What I did should have been very painful but I felt nothing at all physically. It did help me to cry when I couldn't let it out but I didn't cry in pain. It felt good to get the tears out but was a very surreal experience each time I did it.

I then had to hide it. I had marks on my chest and the top of my thighs that I could hide under clothes but had to be careful getting out of the bath, getting changed for P.E and what tops I wore. I was very aware that they needed to be hidden but eventually I showed or told a small number of people.

I remember being in P.E one day and forgetting that I had marks on my chest and taking my top off. A few girls noticed and I realised and quickly covered it up. I could hear them gossiping and from that point I started to cover them in makeup which made the marks sting. I'm lucky I never had an infection and I don't have lasting marks. They used to show for a few years after as white lines when I got a tan but have now faded.

After a couple of years I stopped. I remember that I'd stopped for a while and felt a lot happier. For some reason I decided that because it had been so long I was going to do it again just to see whether I could or not. I was very nervous because I knew it would hurt and it made me cringe thinking what I was about to do. I'd never felt like that before I'd just done it. As soon as I made the first mark it really hurt like it should have always done. It was like a burning papercut and made me yelp. I couldn't believe I'd done that before or been able to. It really stung afterwards and while healing and I hadn't noticed that before either. Only when perfume had gone into it or when I covered it in the makeup and it was still fresh. I don't know why I'd not been able to feel it before but I knew I'd never do it again.

Much love,
Becky xx