I've always loved writing. As soon as I could write I wrote stories and at high school my English teacher told me she wanted to see a published book by me one day. My stories were always quite deep and dark. They focused on the main characters been loners, the homeless, the strange and dark thoughts being lived through the characters like negative voices in their head. I never kept any of my stories because I could write them but never read them back without feeling disturbed. I guess my writing was a release sometimes. I couldn't admit that I felt lonely or sad or empty but I could create a character that felt that. The stories didn't always have happy endings or they looked that way then there was a cruel twist. I've only just realised how significant this was to the time I wrote them.
I was in highschool which I hated. It was awful and if you gave me the choice of 5 years back at highschool or 5 years in prison I'd lock the cell door myself. I really struggled there and after my first year was over I just wanted to never be there. I sometimes would use my brace as an excuse to phone in for a day off, I'd go into the toilets at breaks and stay in the cubicle for the whole thing. I'd make sure I walked home quieter ways than the crowds of other students. I did have people I talked to but I never had that best friend or a group of my own. I kind of merged in sometimes but it wasn't like they'd have invited me anywhere or classed me as a good friend. There were times when I could start uncontrollably crying before, after or during the school day but I only cried once in front of others. We were getting changed for PE and I'd had enough shit that day and heard someone who used to be my best friend talking about me.
It wasn't long before I was sat in the deputy heads office with him asking about my experience at school and I broke down. Opening up about the fact I'd been secretly self harming, I was getting bullied and that I hated school and wanted to do my work from home. It was the loneliest place I've ever been and the teachers just didn't seem to want the hassle of sorting out the nasty shit people said to others CONSTANTLY throughout their classes. There was no escape for 4 years and I couldn't even take banter because I was too emotional about everything else so I could easily get upset or angry. It was high school where I quickly learnt to put on a front but it was so hard at that age.
I'm no angel and for the first year I was a complete bitch to a group of girls that I regret so badly and yes I'd joined in laughing at others. I'm ashamed by that and often think about it now. If they read this please know that karma came around threefold and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. Teenagers can be so self-centred and cruel at times. There were a few good people there but I never really connected with anyone and left high school without a single friend from there. My friends all went to a different school and I knew them through my boyfriend. It felt so good to be with them.
I don't know how I 'survived' high school and it haunted me for years after. I thought I was over it now but this is the first blog post I've written with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. It's hard to even put a positive spin on it apart from learning the lesson that people are cruel, I'm different and words can stick with you for life.