Friday, November 25, 2016

A War Before Breakfast

It's exhausting being me sometimes... as much as I love being me I find myself very hard to live with! 

My mood swings and emotions are all over the place sometimes. Within an hour I can feel so exhausted I find it hard to speak, get annoyed over little things, perk up a little, become quite hyper and bubbly then a little confused and all this repeats and shuffles and intensifies and crashes within a matter of minutes. All for no reason or explanation. Although I act this way I may have no idea why I'm annoyed or why I'm hyper. There is still a numbness and void of internal emotions but the outside is doing it's own thing. There's no connection between feelings, emotions and expression. Yet I have moments where the numbness and emotional void leave me feeling empty and it shows on the outside. I do nothing. I look sad. I have no energy.

I've found ways of coping with this and putting up with it. I've found a way of hiding it too. I'm an incredible actress sometimes, through no choice of my own. It's as though my mind overcompensates. Sometimes I can be overly happy and hyper because I'm feeling upset, lost or anxious. Other times I seem quiet and calm but inside I'm crumbling under the pressure. Yet when I wake up the mornings are hard. This seems to be the time of day when I can't act. I can get to work full of anxiety and feel an angsty misery but as soon as I get going I'm OK.

I think that's the thing that people forget sometimes though. They see me working, being in a crowd, out at events, even performing on stage and presume I must be OK now. But have no idea how hard it can be to get out of bed and leave my home. Waking up from a bad night's sleep with nearly every night involving nightmares. The anxiety and panic I have over the day ahead. The upset of having to see myself in the mirror. Choking whilst brushing my teeth because of the sickness I feel. The fact I check my door handle over and over then have to talk myself out of driving back home to check it again. They see me turn up, smile and get on with my day but I've already fought a war before breakfast.

Much love,
Becky xx

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