10 Ways To Get Intimacy Back

Let's get personal! Mental illness, mood changes and stressful situations can put strains on relationships. Depression and anxiety and the medication that goes with them can also lower your sex drive. Along with your partner seeing you go through something so tough and in most cases while you are pushing them away, it can get hard for both of you. A strong relationship will survive and in time you will feel close again, if not even closer for going through a tough time together. So how can you make sure you're still being intimate with you partner without the pressure of having sex?

1. "I love you"- are you still telling your partner that you love and appreciate them? Sometimes actions speak louder than words but make sure you are vocal about how you feel either verbally, in a text, in a letter
2. turn the tv off and put down your phone- cuddle up on the sofa together even if it's in silence and just be together without any distractions- a conversation might begin or you might just sit in silence holding hands
3. do the small things together- whether it's the washing up or doing the grocery shop together you're working as a team and helping each other out
4. pillow time- lay together in bed and look into each other's eyes- this can get emotional for some people when times are tough and you can see sadness in someone's eyes but it helps you feel connected
5. sleeping positions- laying back to back, cuddling up, hooking your legs, anything that's close and skin to skin is always more intimate and can be comforting
6. the magic cup of tea- small gestures when you're at your worst mean so much to the other person and if they know how you're feeling they'll appreciate the effort it took
7. backrubs- you don't have to be an expert at massage, rubbing someone's back can be really comforting
8. sharing is caring- it;s built into us by animal instinct that if someone shares food with you then they care for you, sharing food, drink, your pillow, a blanket, your hoody are all little ways to say "I want you to have this too"
9. opening up- trying your best to explain how you feel, sharing a thought or a memory, being vulnerable in conversation are all ways to build a connection with a loving partner
10. love taps- the slightest touch shows affection to a partner and it could be a kiss or holding their hand to resting your head on them or anything small- it just says "I'm here with you" in the cutest way

If you think this might help you then let your partner read it with you and talk about what they would like to do more of. Remember nothing sexual at this point. Any of these could lead to more but it's about feeling close and not having that pressure. 

For partners don't presume these things will lead to more. If you try to make a move every time your partner wants to cuddle or hold your hand they might end up wanting to run away. Mental illness can change everything for a person. I didn't want to be cuddled or talk to much or be around anyone at certain times but my partner needed me to do that for him and our relationship. He understood how I felt but at the same time felt pushed away. Work at it together and you'll come through it a stronger couple.

Much love,

Becky xx

Bereavement

This is a subject that I have been unsure about talking about... bereavement. Everybody has a completely different experience of bereavement. It depends on the relationship you had with the person, the circumstances, the aftermath, your view on death and so many more factors. So the only way I can do this is to explain how I felt. Some of you will agree, some will disagree and some just won't understand or have anything to compare this to but that's fine, we are all individuals. Here's my story...

In January 2011 I lost my dad. My dad was my whole world, my hero, protector, best friend, teacher, the shaper of my personality and the man who helped me find myself and my beliefs. I have his hair, nose, smile, sense of humor, taste in music and a hell of a lot of memories.

We knew we would lose dad and watched him go very quickly from a strong 42 year old man to a lifeless shell in a chapel of rest within the space of 5 months. I'm so grateful we knew it would happen. It meant I could be there. It meant when he passed I was holding his hand at home. I sat with his body and talked to him about how proud I was of him and that he would be ok while we waited for the funeral directors to come. I visited him in the mortuary to make sure he was 'ok' and I was able to be involved in his funeral and attend. Some people don't get some or any of these opportunities.

I was devastated beyond belief. Not only to feel how I felt but to see my mum in the same way. After the funeral I felt in a completely different world and just dazed by what had happened. I felt very physically ill. Drained, sick, confused, headache, joint ache, dry skin, stomach cramps. I kept losing my breath and trembling. Then the anger came. 

Anger at everything. Anger at the overweight, heavy smoking, drinkers outside the pub that should be the ones who had dad's illness, not someone so healthy. Angry at the people that had disappeared after telling me how they'd do anything to support us and come and visit regularly but didn't come once. Angry at the amount of messages I was receiving from other people telling me they're not coping but they were never that involved to begin with. How dare they! Of all people to say that too. Angry at myself for not somehow knowing he was ill sooner. Even angry at people for being near me. Angry at the ones who wanted me to explain my feelings because they thought I was 'coping too well.' For me this was the most destructive and heart-wrenching part of bereavement. Beating yourself up and hating everything. Everyone who said I was taking it too well made me want to lash out at them or shout them down but I didn't have the energy.

After this phase came great sadness. I had accepted quite quickly what had happened and that it was part of life. I have a very matter of fact view of illness, life and death when I'm thinking clearly. No matter how unfair it seemed we had lost people in our family at younger ages, children have diseases and don't survive, fatal accidents and disaster can happen to anyone. It was unfair but something that at the same time is natural. We live, we die.

I found comfort in knowing that many people live till old age and die without having the amazing relationship we had. I became very grateful. I had an amazing dad for 22 years of my life and many people would cry out for either that amount of time or that kind of relationship. I felt pride. Proud of him for everything he achieved in life. Proud of him as a dad and a husband to my mum. Proud of the friendships he built with people. Proud of the way he held the family together.

At first it was hard to know what I was 'allowed' to do. Can I feel happy? Can I enjoy life? It took a long time to come to a point where I was ok. To be able to have a good night's sleep. To wake up without feeling fear. To not feel guilty for laughing and smiling and wanting to go places or do something I enjoyed.

Now I talk about dad everyday and think of him more than a few times every day. I smile at his photo's. I remember times and suddenly smile or laugh because they were hilarious! I have days where I crumble and just need him with me. I constantly wish he was with my mum. If I could bring him back just for her and not get to see him myself I would. I know he would be very proud of what I do and if I really think about it I know what answers he would give me and what advice he might say for the majority of times I wish I could speak with him.

Bereavement is a very personal journey. For me this bereavement was worse than my lowest point of depression or any anxiety I've felt or any panic attack I've had. It is probably the most physically unwell I have ever felt and the most exhausted I'll ever be. But it is something that I have come through and so will others.

Much love,
Becky xx