A lot of the time I go through the motions but with no emotion. Whether it's an argument that I start for no reason, a sad song or happy news I can still feel very numb about it.
Yesterday I started an argument with someone I love and didn't even realise they were really upset about it until someone else pointed it out. I apologised because I knew that's what I should do but still felt nothing. It was like I was totally detached from the situation and the other person, even though I love them.
It wasn't until today whilst I was at work that I suddenly felt the emotions. Probably around 24 hours too late. I was upset that I had argued. I was really upset that I had hurt them like that. I was annoyed at myself for not realising what I was doing at the time. I felt guilty for everything. I'm used to the numb feeling happening and going through the motions of things but not this delay.
I find it hard in these situations too because whoever that was inside me yesterday that acted like that WAS NOT me. So do I apologise for my illness? I apologised for arguing but what about the complete lack of empathy or feelings? I explained I feel like this sometimes and it's not me but I can't say I'm sorry for being ill. That would mean I have some sort of choice and control in the matter and I didn't. I'm sorry it happened though, very sorry.
I don't know the reason for it and there's no excuse. I just know that yesterday was depressed Becky talking and I'm really annoyed with her for making an appearance.
Much love,
Becky xx
2 comments:
I think it's very common. I've had the same issue far to many times. Makes me feel awful afterwards
I saw a family member do this and it was so hard for them. I starting to think although this is so difficult for me it must be just as bad for people around me too.
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