Sunday, July 10, 2016

Speed Talking and Anxiety

Anxiety for me comes in different forms. It began with my breakdown where I was convinced I needed urgent medical attention and that I was dying. My body felt like it was shutting down and I had no control over myself. 

It then turned into being frozen, struggling for breath and feeling very frightened. I needed to stay where I was until it eventually passed and could hardly speak or hear while it happened. 

These panic attacks had the same beginnings; overheating, sweating, chest pains, shortness of breath, yawning excessively... I've talked about these panic attacks before in my blog. These were when they were at their worse. Then I started to control it a little better. First with medication, after a few months I had less panic attacks and was able to remain calm while they happened and passed but I still needed to stop what I was doing. I then got to the point where I felt terrible but could manage to continue what I was doing, all be it as a hot mess but this was a huge improvement.

I feel like they haven't happened in a while but I can still get very irritable and feel panicked. Now without medication I've started doing a old habit that I have always thought was just part of my personality. I was quite shy as a child and teenager. I still can be a little now, it depends on who and in what situation. Public speaking has never been my thing either. In fact sometimes speaking one-to-one in a conversation can make me nervous and I'm very conscious that I speak quietly and I'm often not heard but a lot of people. 

Have you experienced starting a conversation and then realised you can't get your words out or feel someone is looking at you a little strangely or judging what you're saying? I've noticed in this situation my speech really speeds up and I have no idea what's going to come out of my mouth! It's like I sound excited but inside I'm panicking and after I stop rambling on I feel embarrassed and will either go quiet or continue to talk about nothing while I'm telling myself "just stop talking!" I don't think this is a panic attack but I do think it is anxiety.

It's possible I've had anxiety longer than I knew or that I am naturally an anxious person. Although I can be quite laid back I've always been a worrier. I've always been socially awkward too! So it's hard to know whether mental illness has heightened my personality trait or whether I have developed anxiety. To be honest the label doesn't matter to me. I know I'm anxious and that is enough for me. It's irrelevant if I have anxiety, it's more important to know how I feel, what it affects in my daily life and what I can do about it. If it becomes uncontrollable I know that my medication helped but for now I'll just be the awkwardly, strange one in conversations.... afterall that is how people know me!

Much love,
Becky xx


Steven Williams said...

I think at times (when I'm nervous ) I start talking fast but I'm not sure. No one mentions it, but I feels like I talk so fast that I get far ahead of my thoughts. If that makes any sense. I think it has even cost me a promotion. At times I have to conciously slow down my response so I make sense

Becky said...

I know that feeling when your thoughts are playing catch up!