I have had trouble
with depression for most of my life. The
first time I was really, truly aware of it was in middle school. I had always had problems with attendance but
didn't know why. I just didn't want to go.
I had been fine at sticking up for myself until I was sent to see a
psychologist once a week in school, he made me talk about things and make a
bigger deal of them than I felt they had been.
He made me see that I was being bullied where before I had not noticed
and just gave back as much as I got. But
after then I felt like the victim and became very withdrawn. I stopped standing up to anyone and accepted
that everyone else was better than me.
From then on I have always struggled to feel like a valid person and
constantly think I am not wanted and am in people’s way, an inconvenience.
When I got to high school it became worse
over time until eventually I would not leave the house without my mum. I could not speak to anyone or use the
phone. I became afraid of mass
destruction for some reason and the thought of it consumed me 24/7. I was a child of the 80's so nuclear war was in
the air when I was younger but the fear came out as a teenager. I was awake at night crippled with fear of
hearing the air raid siren. I was also
afraid that the nearby chemical plant would explode as it was said that if it
went up at full force it could leave a crater a mile wide.
I had no friends at all, I never saw anyone
but I did have penpals, about 30 of them at one point. I could write about music and how I was
feeling but couldn't talk about it and a lot of my penpals were going through
similar things. It was around this time
that I started to have suicidal thoughts.
I was miserable and lonely. I was
convinced no one would ever be interested in me for any kind of relationship or
friendship. I knew I was going to be
unable to work: what job can you possibly get if you can't even face speaking
to anyone? You can't go out of the front
door? I wanted to do something memorable
and be well known for something, be on stage, but there was just no way it
would ever happen. So what was the point
of existence? I couldn't do the thing I
wanted to do, I couldn't have any sort of life or make a living. I was just
sitting at home feeling useless and pointless all the time. I seriously contemplated suicide for about
six months. I couldn't make up my mind
if it really was the right thing to do so I was sat up at night thinking of the
pros and cons of it. I was just
continuously terrified and exhausted.
Eventually I decided that suicide was not a
good option. I knew it would have been
really bad for my mum and my grandparents but mostly I couldn't help but think
that there was a slight chance things might get better over time, I might miss
out on something good. It was all so bad
I couldn't really picture it getting much worse so it would either stay the
same or improve. I wanted to stick
around and see if it got better later.
And it did.
It took a long time and a very bad five
year relationship full of emotional abuse, but things slowly crept up. The depression was always there and the fear
of things, people and situations but I started to come out of my shell. I worked in a charity shop and soon got some
confidence with speaking to humans and before long I was even working on the
till with the public. I met the man who
is now my husband who is the most wonderful, supportive guy ever. Since I have been with him (over 13 years
now) I have just grown and grown. I am
still amazed when I think back to how I was to how I am now. Before I could not even contemplate the idea
of getting a bus in to town alone, that was a living nightmare and would set me
into fits of tears and heart palpitations, now I can drive my car alone for
miles without even having done the route before or knowing my way around the destination. I still need the satnav because I am rubbish
at directions but I will happily just follow along and go where she tells me
without having a fit of panic over it.
We also have a wonderful little boy who is
now three and a half. I never thought it would be possible for me to be a mum
with how I was. I have been on stage as
well doing burlesque of all things, not just going up on stage and saying look
at me but getting up on stage and saying look at my butt! I do seem to have become quite known locally
for my burlesque ventures so I am happy with that.
I still have a long road ahead, I have bad
days and good days, I have spells of depression and anxiety that take over but
I battle through them and always come out fine on the other side. I still have a lot of things I want to try
and do that I have still had trouble accomplishing, but I will get there in
time.
If you ever find yourself thinking about
ending it all DON'T! You never know what
is waiting at the other side.
I couldn't have put it any better how it feels to want to give in but know there is something worth holding on to. What an inspirational story of a very hard journey. I can tell you that this lovely friend has always made me feel welcome and included. She's always smiling when I see her and very creative with oodles of talent. I'm just so proud that she has written this for you all and know how many people will relate to this. I certainly can and I know at my darkest hour this would have helped me. So thank you lovely glittery one.
Much love,
Becky xx
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