I'm a lot better than I was when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In fact I'm no longer on any medication, sleeping OK and to the outside world I'm completely 'cured.' I seem recovered from the way I act, what I say, my smile, how I look. There's a huge difference. But I'll tell you a secret. Sometimes, whether I like it or not, I'm not OK. I'm low, very low and struggling. I might appear OK and 'cured' but in fact I involuntarily fake it. Faking it comes with many problems.
It hides how I'm really feeling meaning I have to carry on with what I'm doing and keep up the act while inside I can't cope. It's almost like being a puppet with a mind.
My mood can be annoyingly happy and carefree which often overwhelms me because I feel like I'm being forced into this hyper bubbly state, ready or not. Sometimes inside everything's a panic but I don't appear that way.
My mood can plummet to snappy and annoyed and I have very little time for anyone or anything. But I'll fake it for most people. It's the ones that I love the most that I seem to let this monster out on. And it's sudden to them but it's been boiling for a while for me.
It's tiring and it's hard work and above all it feels unnatural and as if I have no say in how I am. My feelings inside don't match my outside and neither my inner or outer self feels like me.
I try to force feelings. Sometimes I feel numb and unresponsive to what is happening around me or what I am thinking, hearing or seeing and I try to force out the right emotion- when it doesn't happen I tell myself I'm broken, selfish or insensitive.
I'm not 'cured', I can't say I'm better but I can say "I'm not as bad as I was." I don't mean to fake it, I don't control it either. It just happens. Thankfully it's getting less of a chore and I'm making the most of when I'm on a high. But I do feel as though I've managed to get through my teens and early adulthood without being in control of myself.
Much love,
Becky xx
On Friday I helped at an event where I served tables for a charity event. I noticed that between courses the majority of the guests were sat in silence with their phones in their hand. It was a very sad sight to see that at a social event more people were on social media sites on their phones rather than being social with the people sat right next to them. People they knew as you could buy a table for your group. I'm sure we're all guilty of it but it did make me wonder just how much do we use our phones? And how many of us are actually addicted to them?
I found studies that showed how some mobile phone users show behaviours that you would see in someone with a substance addiction. Becoming irritable or worried when they don't have their phone to hand. Choosing to use their phone when it is inappropriate such as when driving or secretly at work. Spending excessive amounts of time on their mobile. Constantly changing their phone to have the latest mobile and spending excessive money on upgrades, apps, tariffs and accessories. Using their phone at work when they know it could mean disciplinary action. This doesn't seem healthy behaviour at all but what worries me the most is what people miss out on while being hooked to their phone.
I've seen parents staring at their phone screens while their children play in the park. Couples on dates where they are both sat phone in hand. People on holiday constantly on social media. Cars swerving as the driver tries to text. Panic in peoples faces when they realise they left their phone at home. People at gigs filming the live event rather than enjoying it.
Don't get me wrong social media has been great for me to connect with others and promote my blog. It's good to know I can call or text people whenever I need to and I have my phone in case of emergency. I capture a lot of memories with my camera. I use my phone to bluetooth music to my workplaces sound system. This is all great but I also stay awake on my phone regularly and use Youtube to fall to sleep. The first thing I do on a morning is check my social media. I tend to go on my phone at home whenever guests come round.
Really what I'm trying to say is life is happening around you and not on your phone. Put it down and spend time with the people around you. Don't risk your job or your safety using your mobile inappropriately. Use it in moderation. It may improve your mental health.
Much love,
Becky xx
