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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Faking It

I'm a lot better than I was when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In fact I'm no longer on any medication, sleeping OK and to the outside world I'm completely 'cured.' I seem recovered from the way I act, what I say, my smile, how I look. There's a huge difference. But I'll tell you a secret. Sometimes, whether I like it or not, I'm not OK. I'm low, very low and struggling. I might appear OK and 'cured' but in fact I involuntarily fake it. Faking it comes with many problems. 

It hides how I'm really feeling meaning I have to carry on with what I'm doing and keep up the act while inside I can't cope. It's almost like being a puppet with a mind.

My mood can be annoyingly happy and carefree which often overwhelms me because I feel like I'm being forced into this hyper bubbly state, ready or not. Sometimes inside everything's a panic but I don't appear that way. 

My mood can plummet to snappy and annoyed and I have very little time for anyone or anything. But I'll fake it for most people. It's the ones that I love the most that I seem to let this monster out on. And it's sudden to them but it's been boiling for a while for me.

It's tiring and it's hard work and above all it feels unnatural and as if I have no say in how I am. My feelings inside don't match my outside and neither my inner or outer self feels like me.

I try to force feelings. Sometimes I feel numb and unresponsive to what is happening around me or what I am thinking, hearing or seeing and I try to force out the right emotion- when it doesn't happen I tell myself I'm broken, selfish or insensitive.

I'm not 'cured', I can't say I'm better but I can say "I'm not as bad as I was." I don't mean to fake it, I don't control it either. It just happens. Thankfully it's getting less of a chore and I'm making the most of when I'm on a high. But I do feel as though I've managed to get through my teens and early adulthood without being in control of myself.

Much love,
Becky xx

2 comments:

Steven Williams said...

I fake it around most people. My friends mean well, but just done understand. It's mostly my fault as I don't tell them that their advice is bad most of the time. I know they have the best intentions and are trying to help. Some seem to think that just because I make it to work every day that in all better. The only reason I do is because I have no choice. Since I'm single, if I don't work then I'll have no place to live. I fake it so much that I don't even realize it much. It's like a automatic reaction. I go to church and that where I fake it the most. Only because the religious crowd says some of the dumbest and hurtful things. I don't stop going because it does help me. It's hard to find a place to be myself as most people want to help but don't understand how. I don't tell them because I don't want to hurt their feelings. So I just go on faking it.

Becky said...

from my experience I've found some people who 'help' do it for their own means. they like to feel helpful and think they've done a great job and feel good themselves, then they can change the subject and get on with what they want to do, believing you're now ok thanks to them. there's others that really are concerned and care but just don't know what to do and I know I make that harder by making them suss me out. they ask whats wrong and I say I'm ok or nothing but what I mean is I can't put it into words how I feel. there are some people out there though that do get you and want to be there but they need letting in and explaining how you feel or what they could do