Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Rage and Anxiety

The majority of people who know me well or have met me will tell you I have the patience of the Saint, I'm quite laid back, I'm in my own little world and generally happy go lucky. I can worry and get anxious and can feel overwhelmed easily. I can talk too quickly and get easily excited when talking. That I go quiet from time to time and try to get on with things... I doubt they would tell you I have a mean temper and get seriously angry. But I will tell you that there are times when I turn into a hot-headed, raging mess that just wants to destroy everything in site.

I'll often have feelings of anger, rage, losing control and be snappy and short-tempered. These aren't often. They're not in public. They usually last a very short period of time. But nevertheless they are a foul mood! They are usually when I've completely had enough of being in a panic, stressed and upset. They are my fight mode. 

They usually happen on a day off work if I wake up late and feeling breathless. My anxiety has kicked in for the day and I don't have to put my happy face on or have a set plan to follow. I panic about what needs to be done that day and that I must have the most fun possible or the day is wasted. This puts pressure on me instantly from getting out of bed. I beat myself up about having a lie in and feeling tired. How dare I when I must enjoy the day and be the most productive person known to man! The day will continue and my anxiety will usually have me miss a meal or two which makes me instantly irritable. Something minor will go wrong, that is guaranteed and it will feel like the biggest disaster ever. I'll be overwhelmed and get clumsy, dropping things, going dizzy and losing my footing which irritates me even more. I'll feel fed up and unable to take anymore crap that I seem to have created for myself and then I explode!

I'm snappy, my head is painful, I'm overheating, I'm dizzy, I'm inpatient, I'm short tempered, I slam things about, I feel like I'm failing at life, I beat myself up about things in the past, I want to scream, I feel like I could lash out, I hate everything around me and I'm raging mad.

The thing that makes me most angry? That I do this too myself. On my day off I should allow myself to sleep in if needed. I work hard enough and get tired, that's human. I should try to get a few little jobs done here and there rather than feel like I need to do everything then get so overwhelmed I avoid doing any of them at all. I should do something fun or relaxing but it doesn't have to be anything major, it could be slobbing on the sofa watching a film or sitting in the garden with a cup of tea. I should use it to relax, recharge and connect with my loved ones, instead I waste it, then beat myself up about wasting it, then get angry. This seems to be a vicious cycle with me at the moment and I'm not too sure how to break it. All I know is I don't want to spend my days off like this and I want to change. So I came up with a plan to follow these simple rules on a day off...

  1. recharge- sleep in if needed, beginning with a good breakfast, keep hydrated, eat meals, have a sit down and relax, get outdoors, pamper myself a little
  2. house tasks- find something to do in the house that is bothering me the most- pick a small job and I'll probably find more small jobs I can do once I get going and tackle larger things
  3. playtime- quality time with my husband and/or mum, meet up with friends, do a hobby, visit a place, watch a film- just do something fun
  4. ignore the clock- there may be things that need to be done before a certain time or at a certain time but not everything! stick to appointments but for the rest of the day just do things as they come along
  5. STOP- if I start to feel overwhelmed or anxious then STOP! get some fresh air, sit down, cuddle, drink a cup of tea and just breathe- the day has to stop until this feeling is gone or it will be a day running on anxiety. I tend to keep going in the hope I'll catch up with the race I have created but I always finish in last place (strangling the water boy and throwing my trainers at the wall)
I might not have beat anxiety yet but I will tame it. It needs to know that it will be controlled and it won't control me no matter how hard it tries. I need to help myself, be kind to myself and give myself a chance to breathe!

Much love,
Becky xx


Steven Williams said...

I find it amazing how many people do the same things I do. My rage moments are pretty similar. Mine are on days I work. After work and normally last about a half hour. I've never been violent. Today was one of those days. I screamed so much my voice is sore. Like I said, it might last a half hour but the effects last the rest of the day.

Seeing that others have many of the same issues comforts me. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this battle. Also gives me hope that someday I will be able to overcome some of these issues and and resume a more normal life.

Becky said...

Thank you for that, it helps me too. I did wonder whether I was losing my mind at first because it's not my personality or nature at all or whether I was actually really bad tempered and capable of being aggressive. Then researching for this post as soon as I typed it into the search bar so many personal stories, articles, research, medical websites came up with 'anxiety and rage' or 'depression and rage' that I realised it was just another side effect of a mental illness. I'd say the same, mine doesn't last too long, at the most a day but can leave me shaken for a few days after, give me nightmares and disturb my sleep. I find it I eat, nap or lie down and just be alone for a while it can really help me pass through the storm!