Stop Bullying Yourself

I've started to notice a pattern, something I've done since I was a teenager. When I start to feel down it always starts in the same way. I don't want to look in mirrors, I don't like my hair or face, I feel too fat in some places and too skinny in others. I don't feel comfortable in my skin. I feel awkward because I feel ugly.

This doesn't come from something a person has said or something that has changed about my appearance. It comes from my mind. It makes me feel down then puts in the boot by telling me "you're ugly, everyone can see that you're down, it shows on your face and it's not pretty".

I struggle in general with my looks. I've always been a little awkward and don't take a compliment too well. When I was bullied at highschool it was mainly linked to my looks. Whenever I'm sad or ill it really shows on me physically and yes I do an ugly cry. But why do I do this? 

I've mentioned it before but I think it's because negative thoughts and feelings spiral. Once you start feeling down you keep going lower and lower until you hit the breaking point. Sometimes that breaking point might be you have a cry or slam a few things around, sometimes you get your fight back and feel determined to change this state of mind and sometimes it gets to the point of depression or a break down.

I'm very conscious when the "I'm ugly" state happens for two reasons. The first because it hurts. It hurts in the same way the bullying did. It's not as humiliating or relentless but it's the fact I'm doing it to myself. The second reason is I can't just snap myself out of it and I start to worry I'll become depressed again. I don't think I'm 100% better but I wouldn't say I am depressed at this moment. I would say I'm in recovery if anything.

I deal with it by avoiding mirrors and ignore it the best I can but what really, REALLY hurts is what it does to my husband and my mum. I can see how upset my mum gets because she doesn't want me thinking like that or understand why I do. I can see my husband doubt himself as a partner when he asks if he doesn't compliment me enough. He only has to give me the "you're gorgeous" look for me to know what he thinks and he compliments me more than once a day without even thinking about it. It's nobody else that causes this, it's me. And I'm going to start telling myself off for it!

I'm going to tell myself that everyone has things they don't like about themselves but they don't let it consume them. I'm going to remind myself that I'm a carefree person. I'll tell myself that these body parts I'm hating are healthy and all work as they should and I am very lucky for that. I'll remind myself that my mum deserves her happy daughter back and that my husband deserves to see the confidence that he helped build in me.

Being beautiful IS NOT skin deep, your outside is a vessel for a beautiful soul and person. When you're happy and carefree it shines out of you like rays of beauty. So focus on being calm and content and the rest will follow.

Much love,
Becky xx