Saturday, January 16, 2016

Partners speak out

This is a conversation between two people who have supported someone with depression. The words in blue are my husbands. The words in pink are a good friend of mine who supported her partner through depression although it resulted in their relationship breaking down.

I think it's really important to look at both sides of this. Living with your loved one suffering from depression is the hardest thing I've ever done. It’s so hard when you don't understand it, when they won't speak to you and if your blog gets people talking about it that would make me so happy that people got the support they deserved instead of been put on a waiting list to see a councillor. People need help now. Nobody understands it and you feel so alone and you just battle through it the best you can. I think there needs to be more support for both and look at what depression is and why does the brain make people feel this way. As the more you understand depression the more your partners and friends can support the depression so you all make it through together. It broke my heart that me and (ex partner) didn't make it and it forever makes you think “could I have done more.” I wish I would of just had someone to talk to, something to read so I wouldn't of felt so alone.

You're awesome love, and couldn’t say it better myself, think everything that I struggled to explain you have explained everything, It is hard am normally strong person that if any of my family struggles with anything I sort it but watching Becky lose her dad and job treating her like shit was the hardest thing just watching her morale coming down, from a bubbly person to snappy, crying, miserable was the hardest thing ever been through. There was nothing I could do to help her. Meant what said on my post love and it goes for you if you need anyone to talk to about it or pair of ears to listen your more than welcome to message me or come round for chat. Another thing that helps which didn’t say before is make your partner laugh, Treat them whatever they love whether it’s a meal or go out for the day or anything just as longs it puts smile on their face.

Thanks just glad that Becky can now explain it to you and you guys are stronger than ever if you can get through this. It is hard as being the other partner you feel you have to take control of the situation you have to be the strong one but in another breath you just can't figure out how to do it. I think the main thing now with Becky is so much positive is coming out of the bad and sad things that have happened in her life. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been losing her dad who she loved more than life. I think the hardest thing for me was I just couldn't understand why he was so unhappy but I guess that's the point it isn't always a big life event that effects people sometimes. What's small to you is big to someone else. (Ex partner) had everything, the holidays, the job, the family but again that's the whole point of this it's not about that it's about depression eating that up, It’s not that he was ungrateful but depression just took over all that. I felt like he'd do anything just for a high just to feel happy again and that was hard to watch. Whatever he did it just didn't make him happy anymore. It’s defiantly getting the message out that it's not your fault it's nothing personal to you. I say it again and again support is everything and I just wish people got it both sides when they need it. Thank you for kind words I'm OK I've had two long years trying to understand it all and all its come down to is I never will as because he wouldn't talk to me. I just didn't know how he felt. It's so true what Becky says just for him to of said I'm having a good day or I'm having a bad day would of helped so much as that way you’re not guessing and standing on egg shells you can take a day at a time and work through it together. 

Patience and time is everything. Exactly this is why its so important to not say why are you depressed you have it all as whether you have or not it doesn't feel like that with depression and you need support not people asking “why you are not grateful for it.” If I could say one thing to someone suffering depression it is your loved ones are always here we might not always say or do the right things as we're trying to figure it out too. But we're here because we want to be and we love you and no matter how hard it is you will get there.

I think we've hit on an important topic. Who supports the people picking up the pieces? Where do they turn? What should they be told?

People out there looking after someone with depression on behalf of us all I want to tell you we may not show it but we appreciate it, we love you, we want you to know you have helped us and we want you to know you are amazing for it!

Much love,
Becky xx

My Husband's Words...

I felt like I couldn't protect her and it was out of my hands. It's a man's job to look after his family and I didn't know how to help. Deep inside I was relieved because it all made sense that she was depressed. She kept pushing me away and didn't want me near, it was as though I felt I was doing something wrong and I had hurt her. I was worried she would never get better and it made me want to break down but people kept saying the medication would help her. At first I didn't believe this and thought people were just been nice. BUT a couple of months after she was getting better. I saw a huge change when she got her new job, she was like a whippet! Her morale came up very fast and I think she's back to herself.

All what I can say is always remember your loved ones don't like seeing you hurting and I now know to work as a team with my wife and my mother-in-law. Seeing Becky do this blog and Twitter is an inspiration to help others who haven't got anyone or need help. I believe everything happens for a reason. If anybody wants any advice for their partner please feel free to ask me. You might have questions I forgot to talk about.


Anonymous said...

Wow just read your blog on partners and depression, and it brought me to teas, just thinking about how much my now ex wife had to put up with, when I was going through my mood swing and my ups and downs, and how she tried to help me but couldn't because I wouldn't let her into my world xxxx

Becky said...

that's not your fault though it's your illness and it is an illness not a choice xx