Sunday, January 31, 2016

Text, TV and Talk

Three simple tasks are in the spotlight today because at the beginning of my breakdown they baffled me! Once I started my medication they just became more confusing and caused much stress.

Text- I'd receive a text and be unable to make sense of what was on the screen. If I put all my concentration into reading a short, simple text I would forget what it said or who had sent it as soon as I began to attempt a reply. What I wrote made no sense and I couldn't even read it back and work it out myself. It caused a literal headache and much frustration. My phone screen always looked blurred and too bright. On top of all that I didn't feel like engaging with people, didn't know what to write back and mostly didn't care. My phone irritated me so much and it was about six week before I could handle looking at the screen without it confusing me.

TV- I liked to have the television on to help with the tinnitus I was experiencing as a side effect of my medication. I didn't pay attention to the programmes though. I couldn't follow a storyline and I didn't have the attention span or listening power to properly watch anything. I had to be very careful what I watched too. Anything that showed conflict, surreal ideas or anything that involved crime made me
 really paranoid and frightened. I had strange dreams about them that I thought might be real. If I watched chat shows with conflict on them I felt really overwhelmed and upset. Not to mention charity adverts that made me feel powerless. I'm quite sensitive and feel deeply for people but with depression on top the wrong TV show could tip me over the edge.

Talk- One of the side effects of my illness was that I couldn't quite get my words out, my speech was slurred, lifeless and slower and I easily became confused and frustrated. With medication on top I struggled to string sentences together even more and conversations confused and irritated me. They were mentally exhausting. Sometimes it was nice just to sit with people who knew I wasn't up to speaking and just be together. You can still spend quality time with people without long, deep conversations but this took time.

At first I felt as though I had lost my intelligence and was deteriorating. I over analyzed everything or just didn't understand it, both scenarios were very upsetting. It's hard to believe that this was all quite natural. Depression physically rewires your brain and blocks receptors making the simplest things feel like the hardest tasks. My medication joined in with the rewiring and with lack of sleep and anxiety on top I just couldn't function. It is scary but it is your body and mind adjusting so that it can cope.

Much love,
Becky xx

No comments: