Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Mirror Mirror... Who Is She?

I wanted to share something with you that may be personal to myself or may be a common experience.... Have you ever experienced the inability to recognise your own reflection in the mirror? Have you seen someone looking back at you that you just don't recognise? The surprise of what you look like. The horror of drastic change. The panic of the confusion. It's not a great feeling. 

This has happened to me on quite a few occasions. It's how I know I'm struggling. I went through a stage at one point as a teenager where I'd cry but not quite understand why or not really feel anything so I used to look in the mirror while I cried. It was so hard to look at for more than a few seconds but I'd keep doing it. I've done this as an adult too. It doesn't answer any questions or help in anyway. It makes me feel more upset and ugly. That was such a weird sensation. It's like watching a disturbing movie and not understanding the plot or why you're not switching it off.

This feeling is not the same as looking in the mirror when you're a little bit rough, feeling ill or tired, it's completely different. It's like you've woken up with someone else's face on. Someone who sort of looks like you but it's not you at all. 

When I don't recognise myself I notice that I look very grey, my eyes look vacant, I look a lot older, my skin looks dull, my lips look dry and my mouth looks like it's dropped: On top of that I can't look myself in the eye for more than a few seconds without a feeling of fright and a sharp head pain or without the feeling of being very angry. I don't know why this happens. It's like my brain is so busy and tired rewiring that it can't process a reflection and the effects are showing on the outside.

It's not that I have a problem with my looks either. I do think I'm not photogenic and I know I have dark circles, my nose is a little large and my skin can look dull sometimes but I accept that is me. I can look in the mirror and at certain photo's and compliment myself and feel proud of my looks on occasions. I think that's quite average to know your face well, accept the bad and like the good. But the other face that I see in the mirror sometimes haunts me. It's like living a bad dream where you look in the mirror to see an older, poorly, ghostly, vacant version of yourself. I feel even more creeped out if I force a smile out at this stage too. That just makes me cry.

I hope if you do experience this too that you know it's a temporary reflection and the real you will shine through again. My normal me always comes back. The positive thing I got out of this experience? I really need to dig deep for something good out of this BUT I now know when I look in the mirror and I look tired or I'm ill I think "oh good it's still me." I know when I look and feel frightened and alarmed that it's a sign I'm struggling and need to prepare myself for what may come.

Much love,
Becky xx

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