Monday, February 08, 2016

Push, Push, Push!

Something I'm wondering today... should I push myself to do things or just sit back and let them happen?

This is a hard question for anyone with depression or anxiety. When you push yourself to do something like go back to work, continue or start a class/hobby, go to an event, etc... is it worth it? When I push myself the way I feel building up to and before is not worth it at all. I feel ill and panic and lose sleep and dread it. I then get into negative thoughts which spreads into everything I do. When I start doing it I put a front on but soon realise I'm enjoying myself and doing something I want to do. It feels a bit more worth it. When I've done it, enjoyed myself, feel I achieved something and feel proud of it then it's definitely worth it!

If you don't try you'll never know and if you let your fears or mental illness rule your life then it wins. We don't let it win do we fighters! We are the fighters and we are the winners. We fight, we fall, we get back up and we conquer it one day at a time. It's harder than thinking "I'd like to do that" and then just doing it but minds don't always allow you to think like that.

I have a hobby. I bloody love it! It makes me feel happy,excited, proud, free and brings me joy. That hobby is burlesque. I could begin to perform it in front of people. I have the means to get in there, I practise my ass off, I've performed in front of other performers in class and I will do my best. So what's stopping me? My mind! 

It tells me it's too much, I won't be able to, it's not worth the sheer panic and build up, it's not essential to life so we don't need to do it, right? Wrong! Life is about experiencing as much as you can, living it to the full, trying things and failing just so you find out whether you can do it and you have no regrets for not doing it. You never know it might be trying something, being amazing at it, getting better and it builds up and up and up. Am I going to be satisfied in my old age when I look back and my love of burlesque only ever got to practising at class in front of 5 friends or dancing in my kitchen... NO! I'll regret never doing it. I'll see how well the other girls did and how much they loved it and got from it and know I missed out.

So should I push myself? YES!

What if I fail? SO WHAT! I tried and gave it my best.
What if I chicken out? FINE! I have a mental illness and need to look after myself.
What if I enjoy it? FANTASTIC! Either do it again or savour that moment
What if I get an offer to do it again? AMAZING! Practise, prepare, take it as a compliment that I did well the first time and if I don't want to do it again that's my choice.

What have I got to lose? You lose more by not trying than you do trying and failing. And if you don't fail you gain the world! 

Be kind to yourselves and keep on pushing.

Much love,
Becky xx

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