It Takes 2

 As mentioned I began a medication about 3 weeks ago that works by boosting the 'happy hormones' in your body, serotonin. A side effect of this is that to begin with the system gets a little flooded with excess serotonin until it begins to settle in to the system around the 6 week mark. So am I extra happy? Well no. Weirdly it doesn't work like that. Higher levels of a hormone you were previously lacking can be a bit difficult for the body to comprehend especially when your baseline is to run a little anxious. This overwhelming effect can actually make you feel more anxious as the body recognises a change making those first 6 weeks a little tricky.

I began with a two week sick note and was determined to not be off too long and carry on but just 3 days in I'm back off again after an almighty shut down at work. I beat myself up saying yes there were changed plans and it was a little stressful but nothing major. In fact I was quite confident were I was when it occurred. But as my doctor explained today there is anxiety and an anxiety disorder.

Basically anxiety makes sense. It is a response to keep us safe and triggers during uncertain or stressful situations such as a job interview, before going on a roller coaster or being told you might be made redundant at work. Those are all plausible reasons to feel anxiety and the anxiety caused by those will last a reasonable amount of time such as subsiding after the event has ended or a clearer picture is painted or you have a plan in place. But then there is anxiety disorder.

The body is so used to being anxious that it doesn't understand when it should and shouldn't be anxious. It can be suddenly overwhelming for no reason and at the most inconvenient of times. Somebody like myself with an anxiety disorder can plan to minimise stress and may cope well in a crisis as I tend to do. Thats kind of where I thrive sometimes under extreme pressure because to myself that level of anxiety caused isn't far from what I have been operating at unknowingly for a very long time. Whereas a minor inconvenience may be enough to send me overboard or just well, nothing! It sounds bizarre doesn't it that I can actually be having a good day, feeling confident and productive, well rested, fed and watered and all of a sudden my body can decide that something is majorly wrong.

The key is to spot useful triggers and minimise these or have ways in place to deal with them. If being late is a trigger then concentrate on planning journeys, setting alarms, prepping beforehand, not cramming your schedule and sleep. Also allow yourself some grace when you don't always get this right or you couldn't have planned for it and it has been taken out of your hands such as train cancellations or interuptions beyond your control.

But what I learnt most importantly is, if you look for a trigger and can't find one then accept that maybe there was no reason for the sudden surge of anxiety. And just because there was no reason does not mean it shouldn't have happened, you caused it in anyway or that you cant rest and recover from its effects on you.

I try to imagine my anxiety as a skittish animal, a horse! They can be very temperamental. Many horse riders will say I know for certain my horse is scared of dogs so we avoid them but for absolutely no known reason he will randomly buck or panic in his own stable. But what any good animal owner would do is avoid what they know triggers and when nothing has triggered, help settle them down. They would not begin shouting or punishing that animal for randomly reacting with no known cause.

So my horsey little anxiety needs to be treat the same. I've no idea what just happened but I'm going to get you settled.

Much love,

Becky xx

Wake Up Call

 Today was an extremely early morning but one completely worth it. I woke up to find my partner wide awake at 3am, maybe we both should of tried to sleep again but that didn't happen. I love those times of day or night that feel like you're the only two people awake in the world at that moment. We had time that was just ours. No interruptions, no rush and nothing to do except spend quality time as the two of us. I'll always take those moments with him.

We have an amazing connection and really open up to each other and just talk so freely. It can be so rare to find someone who you feel completely at ease with. I really cherish that.

The day then started with a drive back home where we could further talk. We laugh so much too. I was home to do the school run and a bit of sorting at home and then I headed to the gym for my first pilates class. I'd never tried it before and really enjoyed the slower pace but toning benefits. It seemed great for balance too.

I do like to push myself in ways to help ease my anxiety. It may sound strange but causing a little anxiety that I can manage gives me that sense of control back. So yes it was my usual gym and yes I have done classes before. I vaguely knew what pilates was but didn't know the teacher or people in the class. That never bothered me going somewhere knowing that I wouldn't know anyone else there if it was a solo workout. So its very manageable to try something new at a place I know and feel comfortable in and doing something I know I could join in with. It's also low intensity so no adrenaline running from heavy weights or fast paced exercise. For myself I feel that can worse anxiety a little or that I find it harder to recover my breathe as though its caused a little panic.

So today was early rise, connect with loved ones and gentle exercise to start. Absolute bliss!

Much love,

Becky xx

Work It Out

 Last December I joined a lovely gym and really enjoyed going. It had everything I needed, it was friendly and clean and I found myself wanting to go and to improve myself.

It was also a massive help in diagnosing and recovering from my TIA (mini stroke) as the treadmill had been tracking my heart rate. The stats where wildly different before and after the incident so it then became piece of mind that I could monitor and recognise signs of blood clots or just my health in general. All was going steadily but I haven't been for a month now.

I had a procedure on my leg which meant no saunas, swimming or heavy exercise for 4 weeks at least. I didn't realise how much I had missed it and also how much it helped with my mental health. Its a proven fact that exercise releases endorphins and that being in good health itself lowers stress and reduces triggers that can affect mental  health. This I know but its also a hobby, a chance to socialise or get some alone time, somewhere to enjoy my music or a podcast uninterrupted and a personal challenge. 

Feeling yoy have worked hard or achieved and improved is a massive boost for mental wellbeing. Its the equivalent of those little gold star stickers we got at school. Especially in western countries we are programmed from a young age to seek rewards. As children we are praised, given certificates, have award assemblies and given those shiny gold stars. As we grow to adults we still seek that validation and praise but where does it come from?  

You may have some wonderful people on your life or a workplace that offers you praise and recognition but for many of us this isn't an option or steady trickle of praise. So we have to learn to high five ourselves. Make it a point each day to say out loud well done and recognise one thing you did that day. Whether it's a personal best in the gym or doing the dishes. Even a compliment to yourself or remembering a past achievement you are proud of. Relive that moment. And what if you can't think of a single thing? Praise the fact you are here which means you have survived every single hardship so far. You're doing amazing.

Much love,

Becky xx

Parklife

 What's your season? We've all got one thats a favourite, that we relate to, the holds all the best memories. For me that is autumn. I love everything about it. The changes that come with nature and the weather, we still get our cosy evenings but its not too dark too early and it holds my favourite holiday of Halloween.

Yesterday I got out in nature to three separate places very dear to me and my childhood with two people I love dearly. We walked and talked, collected fir cones and conkers. I love that autumn tradition of hunting for conkers on the ground and knocking them out of trees with a crisp air around and just enough chill to make you glad to get back to a warm home.

Fresh air, cold, nature, green space, walking, loved ones, a cup of tea... all natural remedies for calming the nervous system and boosting those feel good hormones. Linked with memories, human connection and laughter these are powerful tools we can all use to help heal and calm ourselves. Even on the most stressful and busy of days we can look out of the window, let the fresh air into our homes or workspace, stand on the doorstep and take a deep breath,  enjoy a cup of tea or just get up and walk around our space. These can be micro moments of taking a huge hike in the valleys or mountains and coming home to somewhere cosy. For me yesterday was just a walk in the park.

Much love,

Becky xx

Heads Up

Another week, another sick note.

As much as I try to keep going and in some cases this can help me to get through things, I have now learnt to recognise a bout of anxiety that can be worked through and a burn out. This is burnt out time. 

I'm still tired from the panic attack on Tuesday which yes I should of recovered from that now but a sudden stand alone panic attack that came after a long time without any comes with questions and realisations.

I've known this has been a tough year but it came with so much happiness too. A lot went well this year admist a lot going wrong. Things were going so well with relationships and work that I felt it shielded me from the onslaught around it.

But now in context when I look at this year I've had a lot to deal with in all categories. Health, family, relationships, parenthood, finances, living arrangements, diet, exercise. Every area has had some form of struggle. I didn't want to overly share because its not about comparisons. I wouldn't want someone to read this and think 'wow that's way more than what I have going on, I shouldn't feel like this' or 'wow thats nothing compared to me, if shes struggling with that I have no hope of getting through my stuff'.

This used to be my thoughts years ago. I always felt I should be grateful and there are millions of people who have it so much worse that I guilted myself to feeling bad about being not ok.

Another lesson I have learnt is you are allowed to feel. You allowed to struggle.  You are allowed to react. You are allowed grace and time to process and heal. You are human and your emotions and feelings matter. You are allowed to not be ok 

Much love,

Becky xx

Wake Me Up When September Ends

 Well good morning. I always wondered how I could sleep so much and still feel tired at times. But I was also that person that could lay awake all night and survive and a few hours sleep. I suppose if you worked out my nights of struggling to sleep, the odd danger nap and the times I conpletely shut down and snooze for hours they might average out at 8 hours a night somewhere.

But the thing I've learnt with sleep in you can't bank it and you can't catch it up. Sleeping 12 hours on Monday and 4 hours on Tuesday does not add up to two good nights of sleep. It still equals over sleeping on Monday and not getting enough on Tuesday. Sometimes the body does need more sleep to heal and tiredness and fatigue can be a symptom of most mental illnesses but so can restlessness and insomnia.

It can be a vicious cycle of not sleeping, burn out, crash, over sleep, too awake to sleep and round and round we go. My sleep pattern has never been normal as such. I stopped napping at 9 months old (sorry mum), would often be awake til 1am as a child and then struggle to get up for school and it continued through life. I'd have nights where I could get 2 hours sleep and be up early and playing sports all day and times when I'd sleep for over 12 hours and be tired all day and in bed early the night after. I've always felt like my natural sleep pattern didn't match the rest of the world. If bed times could be between 2am and 10am and work and all appointments started around noon that would be amazing. I don't think it will catch on though. 

There's a lot I've tried and I mean loads! There's many rules I break too. All the science points to screens been bad for sleep yet the only way for me to sleep from childhood to now when I'm restless is to watch something and the light makes my eyes tired. I don't know why it works for me but it does. Maybe its habit? Have I sleep trained myself to need a screen?

Fresh air knocks me out when camping, usually, but I have had nights in a tent starring into darkness wondering why it's not kicking in this time.

I've tried diets and exercise programmes. I've had sleep gummies and supplements. I curated the perfect sets of sleep wear, bedding and night time skin care. The hot bath before bed. Journalism and thought dumping before attempting to sleep. And what I found is...

Sleep is not my forte. I'm just not very good at it, or sometimes I'm too good at it but then I can't stop when needed.

So I came to the conclusion of not beating myself up about it. I know what to do now to rush a morning and be vaguely on time, to still get things done that needed doing, to stay awake at work when I'm ready to nod of mid sentence, I'm even getting better at covering the dark circles under my eyes. But laid in bed telling myself I'm useless, unorganised, can't function and less of an adult, I've just given up on. I've given up looking at the clock and thinking if I can fall asleep in the next 13 minutes it will be 3.30am and I can still get 4 hours before my alarm goes off. I've said no to all those appointments that can squeeze me in at 8am. Friends and family know I'll meet them for brunch but never breakfast.  I've adapted.

And yes if its vitally important I can be there at 7am if I need to be. But I won't be bright eyed, bushy tailed and well rested. I'll need a take out drink, something to eat at some point and people to not look too closely at me until I've snuck off to brush my hair out of the messy bun I slept in and drawn my brows on.

But the people who love me don't mind and everyone else's opinions are no concern of mine.

Much love,

Becky xx

Here We Go Again

One advantage of being a regular in the anxiety club is that over time you learn your craft. I know my tool kit of things that help, I know what doesn't help and I kind of know what's coming next. There's usually powering through and ignoring signs for a while and on a high thinking 'I'm fine' all is under control even though I acknowledge a lots gone on or going on at the time. Then there's the one off major panic attack and a realisation that I've actually been quite overwhelmed for a while and not fully processed a lot of what's got me to this point.

Luckily there's normally an initial teary phase and tiredness a long with a second wind of I'm ok. I can do this. Now this period for me is crucial. I need to remember its a false energy and that the aftermath hasn't happened yet. This is my essentials only and preparation stage for what is inevitably to come next. The wipe out.

But back to prep stage. What have I learnt to do...

1. Speak to my GP- I did that today

2. Let trusted loved ones know what's happening, what to look out for, things I might do and if I need any help right now

3. Avoid alcohol and limit caffeine

4. Stock up on healthier snacks and things I can stomach easily

5. Stock up on hygiene products including a shampoo for sensitive scalps and a soothing cream for my skin as this is a common side effect for me to have sore and irritated skin

6. Simplfy my wardrobe

7. Speak to work

8. Have a tidy around my space

9. Light cleaning and laundry as usual

10. Deactivate any social media (I don't have any any more but this would always be on my list)

There's lots of other little tips and tricks I use during the aftermath stage but that hasn't hit just yet. For now it's prep and rest wherever I can get it and to minimise stress as much as possible.

Much love,

Becky xx

It's Been Awhile

Hello again,

I remember the day I sat starring at my laptop wondering what I could write on my blog. "I think I'm too well for this" I said. It was as though I wasn't depressed or anxious enough to make comment on the topic. I felt some of my posts now unrelatable to myself. I acknowledged how far I'd come, condensed everything down to 99 posts and guest posts, closed my then Twitter account, said goodbye to my Facebook group and archived the blog as an achievement.

I often found over the years other people's problems arised and I could say "I wrote a post about that" and would share a blog post or two with them and tell them this is where I 'used to be' with that. And on life went. 

Since the last posts around pregnancy life continued. So did a spout of obsessive behaviours, panic attacks, spirralling thoughts about what 'doomsday' would happen if this didn't happen or that panned out wildly different, a very difficult divorce, a TIA, medical problems and all the little things life likes to throw in just to keep things spicy. But I wasn't 'Not Just Depressed' poorly or struggling. I was 'fine'. Just fine. I was ok. Until I wasn't.

And today I'm back on my blog. Why? 

Because through the darkest of times I decided to document, research, reach out, make myself vulnerable and most importantly talk.... or type.

Not Just Depressed reached over 100 countries last time. It became a public diary almost and then condensed to little bitesized pieces of knowledge and learnt lessons. 

Many said why am I concentrating on helping others when I needed help myself. Well there's a blog post about that pending but... it helped before. It is human for many of us to remain of use and service to others in dark times as a means of survival, focus and purpose.

It's what Becky does. 

So I decided to post again. And to keep posting until once again the content dries up and I no longer relate. To post thoughts and feelings along with knowledge and science. As before. To bring insight and understanding. To spread kindness and show love. To show compassion and be blunt as hell too. Another thing about me is filters aren't always intact when it comes to too much information. They remain kind but there are some very awkward things that we do need to mention.

So here we again. One blog post at a time. I wondered if any of you would like to come along with me?

Much love,

Becky xx